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We don’t have to go home to wardrobes that estate agents have sold to us as ‘luxury compact apartments’.
And we can go for a walk in a park that’s slightly less crowded than Harrods on the first day of the January sales.
Walk into a shop and greet the person behind the counter in the North and they’ll greet you back.
Walk into a shop in the South and greet the shopkeeper and they’ll tell you to buy something or get lost. We even, God forbid, chat to people who live on the same street as us.
In fact there are even some workplaces that are deserted at 5pm because everyone’s gone home or down the pub.
I know that anyone down South who was caught suggesting such a worker’s uprising would be given a formal warning,but that’s what happens.
I know this sounds crazy, but in the North it’s actually possible to hold down a job by putting in less than seventy hours a week.
Let’s just take comfort from the notion that in the barbaric dark age we’ll all be plunged back into with the coming global apocalypse, we northerners can use our manual skills to build shelters and hunt for food while southerners huddle around the last remaining Nobo board and hold a brainstorming session about how to avoid starvation.
Admittedly, the statistics don’t back me up on this one. Northerners wear T-shirts or skimpy dresses all year round, while southerners run off crying to the big coat shop as soon as August is over. Although the money used in the North and in the South looks the same, there are in fact two totally separate currencies, with one north pound equal to roughly four south pounds.
And the irony, of course, is that northerners are nicer, so you don’t even want to be further away from them.
A day trip to the countryside from London really does take up an entire day.